renegadeRICEcracker

things are getting hard

work is a weird thing. there are people there that you see every day, creating some sense of familiarity, but you don't know them well, so there isn't really any intimacy, just the illusion of it. this isn't something that i generally notice so much, but over the last year this tension has been more apparent to me because i am having some intense and personal family things going on, which result in my fielding an array of well-intentioned i'm-so-concerned-how's-your-mom inquiries from people i don't know well enough to want to talk to at all about anything remotely personal. when it comes from someone i really don't know well and who in normal life sort of causes me mild annoyance, and then they go over the top and try to pretend we are REALLY close and won't leave me alone about my stuff, it starts to really irritate (or, i've also had people trap me into long, LONG conversations about how my mom should really listen to this series that x person's pastor did on cancer -- "is she a believer, or is she just giving up?" charming).

anyway. a couple months ago i was standing in the hallway waiting for my coworker, and i was pretty down. one of the assistants came by -- we are very friendly with each other, and she has a very no bullshit sarcastic straightforwardness that i appreciate. she asked me how i was doing, i couldn't muster more than a shrug, and she said, "are things getting hard?" i sort of smiled in return, she nodded, patted my shoulder, said "i'm sorry," and walked off. i really appreciated it. she was succinct and did not pry at all (she actually knows me better than most of the people who annoy me with this crap), yet showed genuine sympathy before leaving me alone. i love her.

but yeah. "things are getting hard" is the phrase that materializes in my head when reality starts to creep in on me. and i guess the very long intro into this entry is that... reality is creeping. or, not really creeping. whooshing from behind and catching me off-guard because i had my head turned in a cloud of denial that fuzzed out the timeline that i've been afraid of dealing with.

we are stopping the chemo, because it doesn't appear to be working. she's going to keep focusing on her chi-gong and chinese herbal medicine, but that's pretty much all we have. (we are also going to look into some medicine available in taiwan.) her doctor talked to her about hospice options, and said she should just enjoy herself while she can. and the reality of this, the fact that we're really going to have to deal with this, the fact that i can't just live in this limbo forever (as horrible and exhausting as it is, i would cling to it for anything), i'm just... drowning in it.

i hadn't cried in a few months. but on friday after my sister called to tell me what they decided at the doctor's appointment (i took her wednesday, my sister took her friday), i went into my coworker's office and cried on her floor. i feel so... awful. (of course, i proceeded to get wasted friday night, and then kept super-busy yesterday, so i didn't notice again until today.) my mom has been feeling worse and worse. my sister just called to tell me that my mom doesn't want to go over for easter brunch because she just hasn't been sleeping and doesn't feel well. and when i call my mom, who is so warm and so loving, and she is uncomfortable enough that she is abrupt and cranky on the phone, it breaks my heart. and there's nothing i can do about it. and i'm afraid that this is just how she is going to feel (i still think we're expecting that she will feel a fair amount better for a while, since she's stopping treatment, but i'm not sure). and i'm afraid of what's going to come. and i'm afraid for her. and i'm afraid for my sister and me. and then i get afraid that i'm going to make bad things come because i am thinking negatively. i just... am afraid. i am sad. i am overwhelmed. and there's no way to escape it.

anyway. i am sorry for all the depression. i was happier last week but didn't have internet at home, so i didn't blog about anything. next time. um. happy easter.

Posted by rrc at April 8, 2007 09:16 AM