this morning i went with my sister and the boys to rose hills, where we met my uncle and my mom's close friend. they finally put the new marker in and we went to visit my mom. after that my sister and i took the boys to lunch at one of my mom's favorite vegetarian restaurants in monterey park, and then to visit our sixth great aunt and uncle.
it all left me feeling so aware of how sad i am. i'm just... really sad. we had told alex we were going to go visit puo puo's grave (he knows she is "in heaven), and of course he misunderstood, and when we were leaving rose hills he started crying out that he didn't want to go, he wanted to see puo puo, he wanted to see puo puo... and my chest got so tight and i wanted to cry because i want so much to see her, too.
it's a hard thing because it's been a few months, and i feel like people expect that you start to pick up and move on with other things. but for me... it's only /been/ a few months. and just how is one supposed to get used to not having a mom? pretty much every morning when i wake up, i lay there and think, god, i can't believe my mom is dead. she is really dead. and i just feel like there is this expanse of my life ahead of me, and i can't comprehend that i have so much living to do without my mom. and i am just so sad.
Posted by rrc at February 2, 2008 05:59 PM