i just had a weird dream. i don't remember it as vividly as the last one i wrote about, and it was just sort of random. i remember at one point looking at my mom as my sister and i hung around with her and thinking she still looked good, and telling her how i was grateful she was still there even though she didn't feel so good. then later in the dream i was trying to get her to a doctor. it was random, i took her to a hospital and when we were walking in we passed some work people (but not real work people), and one of them didn't know my mom was sick or something and sort of asked loudly if that was me and the other person started to explain -- i guess it took me back to that feeling i used to have when my mom was still alive and i was trying to act normal at work. anyway. we ended up winding through long, windy corridors packed with people, and there were mice and rats running around, and i was looking for her doctor, and then i woke up. weird.
my sadness has been a lot more at the surface this last week. i think it's because i'm settling in at work and life is moving on and part of me is still just sort of grasping that my mom is really never coming back. i know i've written this many, many times, but it's still hard to accept. i look at my friend whose mom has been dead fifteen years and i think, wow, her mom is STILL dead, she STILL doesn't get to talk to her, i can't believe that. every day i'll be somewhere, doing something, like in a meeting or something, and then all of a sudden i will think, my mom is dead, i can't believe my mom is dead, and this is my life now, i'm someone whose mom is dead.
anyway. i guess this isn't news and not that cheery but it's what's on my mind. i have to go get ready now, though, we are going to go meet my sister and the boys and my dad and ayee at huntington library, which is lots of fun. i hope it doesn't rain. have a good weekend...
Posted by rrc at March 1, 2008 09:38 AM