and so goes 2008. it has been a roller coaster year -- after being buried under work for many, many months, right before the anniversary of my mom's death my firm dissolved, after which i went through a stressful interview process, and have spent the last 5-6 weeks trying to acclimate to a new, very busy, and very, very different type of work environment. but, i gained a new baby niece, i spent some good quality time with family, and i am grateful for the wonderful friends that i have.
new year's eve is an arbitrary cut-off that i have never paid much attention to. but, i have been a little more reflective about the change to 2009 i think for the sole reason that, starting tomorrow, i can no longer say that i lost my mom "last year." this for some reason has been what's been standing out to me -- i think because once it is no longer "last year," it sounds far away, and people sort of expect you to be over it. i already do my best to try not to mention my mom so much anymore, at least not in a sad context; rationally i know people are sympathetic, but i think people also get tired of hearing about it, not necessarily because they are "tired" of it, but because it's not comfortable to talk about, and people are just more tolerant of discomfort like that when the originating events are more recent. but meanwhile, i still think about my mom every day, still get sad over so many things, and am still getting used to celebrating family events without her. so, while i look forward to (here's hoping) a more stable year in 2009, part of me dreads the transition because i feel like it's one more marker that's supposed to make me more "over it," that pushes me to act more "normal."
which is not to say that i don't talk about my mom when i miss her. it's just that ever since my mom get sick there's been a very clear demarcation between how it feels to be with people close to me and people just a little farther away, in large part to how "normal" one is expected to act if those around are not very close to them. and, that continues -- the thoughts referenced above only relate to my interactions with the not-quite-as-close to me world.
anyway. apologies for depressing thoughts just before the holiday. but hey, i haven't posted here in forever, so probably no one will see it, right? ;) i just wanted to get this off my chest somewhere. and that's about all the time for reflection that i have, because really i'm supposed to be getting ready for work and am now late.
happy new year, everyone.
Posted by rrc at December 31, 2008 08:33 AM