renegadeRICEcracker

ain't she cute?

these are from ayumi.

yeah, she's a real sweetheart.

that said, i've fallen in love with happy bunny. i mean, who could not love a cute bunny that says things like, "you're ugly and that's funny," "you suck and that's sad," or "since you're gross, shouldn't you be smarter?"

lazy days.

man. i cannot motivate. yesterday i was struggling to continue plugging away for a little while longer when i was e-mailed to see if i'd be interested in going to the standard so's to kick off the associate-only happy hour. of course, this is not something i can say no to. besides, it's good to relax and recharge sometimes, right?

except that drinking from 5:30pm on through the rest of the night doesn't exactly fire you up for work the next day. i need to remember this. it's a good thing i took a recruit out to lunch today or the hours i'd have logged today would be woefully pitiful. oh wait, they're woefully pitiful anyway. aish.

Alcohoroscopes

Aries. Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

Taurus. Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

Gemini. Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusions, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

Cancer. Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up vanilla vodka and soda.

Leo. Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what brung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

Virgo. Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

Libra. "I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

Scorpio. Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

Sagittarius. In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

Capricorn. Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

Aquarius. Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best-designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunken people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

Pisces. If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign -- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know.

i particularly like that it says that i can drink without people noticing. one thing i am known for is my high tolerance and ability to mask inebriation, red face and all.

lessons from the opera

i went to see madame butterfly last night. it was very good, though most of my opinion on that rests on mitch's, since he knows a lot about opera and i know nothing, except that there is singing and fat ladies. and this one didn't have a fat lady (it was pretty cool -- not just that there were no fat ladies, not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you -- the visuals were all extremely minimalist. this worked well for me except when they moved very slowly down what i assume were meant to represent very long roads, calling up memories of watching women move at less than snail's pace across the stage in phillip glass productions).

i have realized, however, that i should not go to productions when extremely sleep deprived because i start to lose focus if there are more than 3 metaphors of a woman's beauty in succession. i found that this problem can be counterbalanced by drinking at the intermission, especially if the line is long enough that you only have enough time to chug your glass of wine just before going back in.

and that you should keep track of where you park if you are in a huge, multi-level, multi-building parking structure. if someone thinks you were on floor E, rather than ridicule them because the structure you are in has numbered levels, you should check to see if there is another structure that has lettered levels.

which federal rule of civil procedure are you?

this is what it tells me:

YOU ARE RULE 20(a)!

You are Rule 20, an important part of the Federal
Rules' policy of permissive joinder. You are
designed specifically to allow as many parties
in an action as can be tried efficiently, and
you'll include someone as long as there is some
factual overlap between a claim involving them
and the rest of the case at hand. You are
popular, out-going, and are never far from
friends. However, your overly gregarious
nature and magnanimous approach to all things
cause your closest friends to wonder that, even
when you're surrounded by your compatriots,
there is a part of you that feels cold and very
alone.


Which Federal Rule of Civil Procedure Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hahahahaha -- i am a cooler rule than diane. (j/k! don't punish me!!)

my bluebook hates me

i was sitting at my computer, innocently drafting discovery requests, when out of nowhere my bluebook fell off my shelf, hit my cup of coffee, knocking it to the floor and its contents to spray across the carpet.

the bluebook attaches no warning that events such as this might occur. i'm going to sue.

judd nelson gave us mardi gras beads.

went to the rainbow tonight. talked to some bearded guy who had a load of mardi gras beads around his neck. after he gave us a string each, liz pointed out that he was judd nelson. v and i weren't sure what to make of it, but upon second inspection, indeed, it was judd nelson. he said his name was "haaahd" -- explained that they don't pronounce 'r's where he grew up in new jersey. i asked if that was his first or last name, and he said that it was who he feels himself to be or some shit like that. we chatted about new orleans and mardi gras and blondes and a guy he punched at the mardi gras party he'd just come from. he was perfectly friendly and looks good with the beard and dark frames.

saw the magician. he's old. and he had a cat on his shoulder.

i'm drunk and i'm going to go to sleep now. goodnight.

ack! the things that never should have been part of your life.

so, i'm packing up my room because my mom wants to turn it into an office. my room's contents have not been overhauled since, um, i think i cleaned it out sometime at the beginning of college with my sister. since then, i lived in it for the latter two years of college, it accumulated a whole lot of crap, and then it served as unorganized and unsightly storage for 4 years. it was clear enough for people to sleep in, but opening the closet was never an advisable course of action.

some of this process has been fun. i have found stuff that i still want (and, as a result, have put it into a box so it can sit there for years before i take the time to go through it all and integrate it with my apartment), stuff that makes me remember old times (yes, i get all maudlin and nostalgic). but then i come across shit that just should never have been a part of my life to begin with.

for example, i was in the inner reaches of my closet when i came across a big poster. it's obviously brand new (thank god -- it's never seen a wall), and it's... uh... free willy. 2. now, why i have a poster of free willy 2 i can't even begin to fathom. i think i probably got it when i was working at the daily bruin, because they gave us all kinds of free crap. but why i didn't, say, burn it, and instead took it home is beyond me. i feel dirty.

there are times when the desire for free shit clearly oversteps its bounds. i am still happy to say that i have never seen the movie. the first or the second.

ugh. and i have to go back into that closet.

whoa, creepy.

i upgraded my aim, and there is this little eye that stares at you from next to the buddy list heading. i clicked on it, and it closed. i have worked out that it allows you to be invisible when online, which i hear other services have offered for a while. i am not against it, but i am not a huge fan of the eye.

there are also these little corner windows that slide on and off your screen to tell you when people get on or off line. this is fine and good, except when someone seems to be having computer problems and i see them come on and off and on again three or more times in a five minute period. maybe i will turn that feature off.

i suppose you all don't need to know all this. but i'm at work. i don't have that much to offer. sorry.

oh no!!!

it's the ATTACK OF THE GAY AGENDA!!!

and, pilfered from www.captainbunny.com, a concise social analysis:

why gay marriages won't work

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can't legally get married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if Gay marriage is allowed, since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire counrty. That's why we have only one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children, and children that have a male and a female role model at home never fail at anything. Ever.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to things like cars or longer lifespans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

anti-glare my anti-ass.

i moved my monitor at work so that it almost directly faces the window. this is a bad thing. so i got an anti-glare thingy to cover it. i suppose technically the screen does reduce glare. it also, however, crystallizes and sharpens reflections. at least now i can check for stray hairs or cowlicks while sitting at my desk.

btw -- my rubber band ball is still woefully small. my job is less rubber band intensive than i thought.

TiVo figured out i'm asian.

i'm not sure how, but after the first time i gave a thumbs down, it loaded up a ton of suggestions, ostensibly to see what i think of things. in it was cantonese drama, vietnamese drama, and japanese drama. funny, no mandarin drama. it's gonna have to keep trying.

i wonder how it figured this out. it's also possible that it is just showing me every freaking show it can record, because my list (i've gone through over 30 already) also included the waltons and white oleander.

i'm working through so that it will hopefully figure out my tastes. it's a fine and fuzzy line -- i will watch elimidate, but not fifth wheel. i will watch smallville, but not one tree hill. there are other more obvious shows i like, but these types of distinctions seem to be the ones causing the problems...

god help me.

i have the hokey pokey in my head.

you put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in, and you shake it all about...

oh lord.

white scholarships.

tIvO!!

i finally set up the damn TiVo. as promised, it's awesome. it did, however short out one of my channels -- it recognizes that i have the channel, and will tell me what's playing, but when it records from it, it just records 1 down. i can't watch the channel at all. hmm.

anyway, i felt like a jackass for having waited (what, a month?) because it didn't take very long to set up, and since i bought the lifetime service, it's not like i saved money by waiting for a month. oh well. but on the upside, now i know that when i go out into my day, when i come back it will have been building a veritable library of entertainment for me.

except that it keeps recording mash and i dream of jeannie. i have no idea why. i delete, and they keep on coming.

and i don't see the point in leaving the house anyway, especially on a beautiful day like today. i realize that in most cities that statement wouldn't make sense. but in l.a., when it's sunny with blue skies and warmer than it's been, like today, everyone wants to go out. and, this being l.a., this means that everyone goes out and gets in their goddamn car.

i love my car. i would not give it up for the world. but these other people should just take the bus or something so that when i get in my car, they are not in my way. today was the worst day of traffic that i have seen for a really long fuckin' time, and i mean that from the 60 to the 605 to the 10 to every surface street i drove on today.

PEOPLE. GO HOME. PARK YOUR CARS. I HAVE PLACES TO BE.

anyway. happy valentine's day or whatever.

my office is haunted

i swear to god i can hear some weird, robotic sounding, satanic chanting from somewhere through some wall in my office. once the cleaning lady leaves and i'm the only one left on this floor, i'm going to be very creeped out.

sham gay wedding certificates

so, san francisco started issuing gay marriage certificates today. don't get me wrong, i think that's pretty cool. but what are they going to do? California has defined marriage as between a man and a woman. no rights are associated with these certificates. as far as i know, no legal benefit or recognition can be found in these certificates. so as much as i appreciate the statement that the sf mayor is making (and i really do), the legal emptiness of what these certificates could mean makes the absence of gay marriage in this country even more glaring.

i wonder if the country is ready for all this controversy about gay marriage right now. i wonder this all hit too early for the conservative forces pushing for constitutional amendments to state and federal constitutions to be beaten. i wonder if this huge push to fight this battle now will just end us with even more formidable barriers.

i don't know. truth be told, i don't know very much about what's going on right now, so i'm basically babbling out of my ass. oh well. momentum is already in full force, so i guess we'll see.

in the meantime, we still have things like this to make us proud of our country.

friendster is stalking me

i'm working. i look up at my computer, and check my e-mail. i close my e-mail. i look back down at the case i'm reading. i look up at my computer and i'm logged into friendster.

this is very, very odd. i swear to god i did not undertake any actions to be directed to the friendster page, or to log on.

i'm hoping that it can be easily explained, like friendster has started purchasing pop-up adds from which you can sign on, and my computer has my sign on information and just logged me on.

if i have to determine that i somehow "lost time" long enough to log myself into friendster and go back to work, i may need to take some time work. i think i'm losing it.

jewels of wisdom from mr. schwartz.

Q. what do you call a midget psychic who escaped from prison?
A. a small medium at large

Q. do you know how a backward poet writes?
A. in verse

time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

good news: the man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Q. what happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
A. you get repossessed

Q. what is a hangover?
A. the wrath of grapes

Q. when should condoms be used?
A. on every conceivable occasion

Q. what does reading while sunbathing make you?
A. well red

Q. what is a chicken crossing the road?
A. poultry in motion

Q. what is the difference between democracy and feudalism?
A. in democracy your vote counts. in feudalism your count votes.

you feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

a boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

of course my problem is that i have a photographic memory that was never developed.

Q. what is a plateau?
A. a high form of flattery

Q. what happened to the girl who got too big for her britches?
A. she was exposed in the end

Q. do you know what the woman did who was engaged to a boyfriend with a broken leg?
A. she broke it off

Q. do you know what Santa's helpers are?
A. subordinate clauses

Q. what happens when two egoists meet?
A. it's an I for an I

new lesbian soap opera

same sex. same city. same block, in fact.

i still haven't seen the 'l' word. i did, however, have an intimate glimpse into the drama of what we assumed was a lesbian couple next door. last night, sometime around 1am, a woman came home, but "candace" wouldn't let her in, despite her loud and angry threats: "open the fucking door. open the fucking door or i will call the police. open the fucking door, you can't lock me out of MY fucking apartment." these statements and slight variations thereof were repeated for quite some time.

at one point, a window opened and another voice calmly told the woman to "shut up. shut the fuck up or i will call the police." it was unclear as to whether this was candace, or someone else, an angry neighbor, perhaps.

a little later we heard a man's voice. he was not speaking as loudly, so we weren't able to make out all his words, except that he did say something about opening a door. we think he was the aforethreatened police officer, but don't know which woman called him.

later we heard more muffled yet angry voices, and then the sound of glass smashing. perhaps the woman got in and threw a vase at candace? we don't know.

it was all very entertaining. our only frustration was the amount of conversation we couldn't really make out. for god's sake, if you are going to have a loud and dramatic showdown that will cost your neighbors sleep, speak loudly and e-nun-ci-ate.

spicy szechuan chicken

so, one of the guys on my pro bono case was saying that we should go out for chinese food. i assumed that this meant chinatown, which is not so very far away from downtown. instead, he meant monterey park, which i love because, well, i'm chinese, but which is considerably further, turning this into a 2 hour excursion that neither i nor the other junior associate expected.

it was really, really good. we ordered a soup, a cold appetizer, and six dishes. it was all very tasty, reminiscent of actual szechuan food i have eaten. needless to say, my mouth is still on fire.

now, i am about to pass out. i can't remember the last time i had food coma this bad, but the idea of sitting upright in my office for hours more makes me want to die. i want to curl up on the floor, leaning against the wall, and fall asleep. mm... sleep.

thai elvis karaoke

last night we went to a thai restaurant on sunset. we had been told that there was thai karaoke, where people in tight leopard print pants would perform elvis and thai songs for us in overpowering vocals.

they were not wearing leopard pants, but the girl was wearing fuck me boots, and they did have overpowering vocals. and they did sing elvis. or maybe it was the ub40 version (we couldn't really tell -- as far as i know, neither begins with "yo! yo-yo!"). all the members of the "band" sang, and several played instruments, but we couldn't figure out whether they were actually playing the instruments because, for example. when the guy with the shakey-shakey thing stopped shaking it, the shakey-shakey noise in the song continued.

they were impressive. i mean, they were impressive in that they sang in five different languages, not in that their voices should be discovered on the next american idol.

they told us they would take requests, but i don't think they sang any one of the songs we wrote on any one of the many many little slips of paper that we sent up to them with tips. instead, they kept stopping, pointing at me, and saying that i had to go up and help them sing. after a brief chat, they kept speaking to me in chinese and dedicating chinese love songs to me. it was very bizarre.

get away from the winter

so, i'm watching tv, and there is a united airlines commercial telling me to "get away from the winter." the clip is very nice, it's a boarding ramp emptying into some scenic wonderland and people skating out of it or something like that.

then it says, it has great low fares to places all over the country. these places include chicago and new york. chicago and new york?

i'm in l.a.. they are very nice places, but i'm not going to either of them to "get away from the winter."

mariachi row

this guy at work told me that apparently there is a strip in downtown l.a. where you can go any day of the week and pick up a mariachi band on the spot. this is good to know.

my computer is about to explode or something - the fan is going louder than i've ever heard it before and i'm a little concerned.

diane sent me these bizarre set of weight watchers cards. they are entertaining, but i do wonder a bit what she does at work. :)

then again, i am blogging. eh.

food comas don't translate into productive afternoons.

but i went to lunch with the atty i'm working for, so at least he's on notice that i won't be doing very much.

went to chinatown for dim sum at the empress pavilion. mmm... i really wanted fried taro cakes (the kind josh said taste like caulking), but the lady only had one left, and it was broken, so i requested that she fry it up anyway and just replace one of the daikon cakes in a fried daikon cake order. mmm...

it's interesting to me how many people go to dim sum all the time yet have never tried so much of the food. not meaning just the chicken feet, because while they are good (in the sauce, not cold and gray on the plate), i understand why people won't eat them, but basic puddings or desserts or different kinds of dumplings. especially people who seem to like everything you have them try, despite that they describe themselves as non-adventerous eaters.

anyway, i have to go downstairs and walk around or i'm going to go into a food coma.

EXTREME television

mr. lang was in town this weekend! (pictures, uh, sometime soon). we took him to in'n out twice (at his request), to the rainbow room for some people watching of 80s rockers with mohawks, melrose, and then a couple bars saturday night.

before we went out on saturday, we channel surfed for a little while and ended up watching on court tv -- EXTREME evidence. that's right, EXTREME evidence. it was kind of like unsolved mysteries, only they used evidence to solve the mysteries, and there was ridiculously dramatic music at every turn. tv has taken this extreme business much too far.

so, i'm watching part of a queer eye on nbc, and they shave down, like, all of the interesting conversation. in the one where the hot guy proposes to his girlfriend in the backyard, they completely cut out the back dialogue about how they thought she was going to say no when he proposed. isn't the bitchy commentary, like, the whole point of the show?