renegadeRICEcracker

home james!

this is awesome! everyone knows the big problem with drinking in l.a. is the "do i drive home drunk or leave my car" scenario. these people will come on a special fold-away scooter, put the scooter in their trunk, drive you home, and then leave on the scooter. according to the site the drivers have to undergo extensive testing, have driven professionally, and are all well educated. i have heard that they are all good looking as well, which seems true from the bit i saw on their site.

i totally want to go out and get hammered RIGHT NOW so i can call them and have them drive me home. (actually, i would like to go out and get hammered right now regardless of whether they can drive me home. oh well.)

anyway. only in l.a.

i can't do it.

i can't eat a tootsie pop, dum dum, or presumably any other kind of lollipop candy without chomping down on it within 30 seconds of it going into my mouth. i have been really trying (i have a bag of dum dumbs in my office to fill my candy jar), and i can't. i will be okay for a little bit, but as soon as my mind wanders (say, to focus more on my work), the next thing i know i am chewing.

weird. i used to be able to do this.

this is pretty cool

i found this cartogram pretty comforting, actually. it shows how evenly spread out the red and blue are in the country, county by county, and adjusts the size of the states per capita.

so the country's not all red. sucks for all those blue voters in the red states, doesn't it?

things you learn while goofing off.

i had figured that the original abigail van buren was dead, but i didn't realize that the name was fake to begin with:

"Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069."

i wonder where the "dear abby" came from? and what about ann landers? is that a fake name too? doesn't this seem like kind of a weird family?

"Canada busy sending back Bush-dodgers"

by Joe Blundo, Columbus Dispatch
Tuesday, November 16, 2004

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day and I found a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. I didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to dissuade the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious
ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on
bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the U.S. administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney reported. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And
we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

red cross hangover

waaah. i went home early yesterday so's i could work on my couch because i was feeling all dizzy yesterday. i tried my best to drink lots of water and eat healthily, but i guess i didn't drink enough because this morning i woke up all groggy with a stupid dehydration headache!

i'm all freaking hungover and didn't even get the benefits of drinking to balance it out!

harumph. freaking red cross.

finger stick test

i just went to give blood in my building. part of the preliminary test is for them to get a drop of blood. they used to scrape your ear but apparently now they stick the side of the pad of your ring finger. i think it hurt more than getting the needle stuck in my arm. i think this was actually my least favorite part of the whole thing.

unless, of course, you count my paranoid concern that my arm was going to hurt because she stopped the tube but the needle was still stuck in my arm, which filled my head with images of blood backing up from the full and stopped tube into my arm. this happened because for some reason my blood flowed twice as fast as the chick next to me, so the red cross lady was alternating back and forth trying to close us out at the same time. i watched her nervously keep looking back at my arm while she was finishing up with the other lady. it was a good 5-10 minutes that i was laying there with the thing stopped but stuck in my arm. yick.

i am all dizzy now. i decided to leave pretty immediately anyway, though, because i don't see a huge difference between sitting in their waiting area or sitting in my office.

i have a big red arm band now. hard core.

gospel brunch

my dad and his wife are in town this weekend, and this morning i took them to the house of blues gospel brunch. this involves an extensive and fantastic southern brunch and a gospel choir from the region, and attempts to recreate the feeling of a revival house.

house of blues tickets: $140
parking: $5
watching my dad and mimi dance on stage at the house of blues to "what does god bring us? joy!", with my dad enthusiastically copying the gospel choir singers beind him: $ priceless.

WOW

beskone fixed my computer today! upgraded the operating system, fixed the disk permissions, and did other things that i don't understand. sweet! it is SO MUCH FASTER now! it was getting so that even mimi would complain about its slowness, notwithstanding her ancient computer with dial-up connection.

very excited.

ayumi made dinner tonight and then we watched the first 3 1/2 episodes of alias. my sister lent the first season to me, and i have to say, it's totally awesome. jennifer garner is a little skinny for my tastes, but bad ass in many other ways that completely make up for it. plus, she's not really considering dating me, so it doesn't really matter anyway.

okay. goodnight.

hahahahaha..

===================================
ADDED FUEL COSTS RELATED TO AVERAGE WEIGHT GAIN?
===================================
The U.S. Centers for Disease Control estimates that U.S. airlines spent $275 million in added fuel costs in 2000 because the average passenger weighed 10 pounds more than they did a decade previously. The report in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine said the cost to airlines because of heftier travelers has doubtless increased since 2000, as airline fuel costs have soared.

In May 2003, the Federal Aviation Administration added 10 pounds to its average per-passenger weigh assumptions to account for the average weight gain among Americans.

Ovation Club E-Newsletter
Courtesy of The Lawyers' Travel Service
November 11, 2004

the new rules

this is classic.

The concession speech that wasn't given:

(i did not write this, but i wish i had)

I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.

I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff, and I didn't see it.

So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls.

The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that.

I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage* that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

*[editor's note: OK, that's not really fair - I've read a bunch on this since the election and while the % of the youth vote did stay the same, that's because voter turnout in general was up... so more young people voted, but so did more of everyone else]

There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state / blue state split.

The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em.

We in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name.

We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!"

More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.

Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear.

And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally inferior" I suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that.

It's not a ha-ha funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same.

I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be no pandering. This time we will run with all the open and joking contempt for our opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite" and the "white-wine sippers. This time we will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They don't.

So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads... because we know better, and we truly believe that we can help your smug, sorry asses. Thank you, and may God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.

friendwho?

i got a message from friendster today, saying i had a message. i hadn't been on the site in ages, so i went on. some friend of a friend e-mailed me, asking me to tell him about "the writings of haruki murakami." hmm.

anyway. i look at my site, and i can't figure out who the guy i ostensibly know this other stranger through. i'm looking at this guy thinking, i don't recognize you, i don't remember the name... did you go to my law school? how the hell did you get on my friendster page? it was a very strange and surreal experience.

just now as i was typing this i remembered that it is some guy i knew in college who is friends with another college friend i more recently became close to again. so the mystery is solved. phew. it's always very disconcerting when something pops up from your past that you have zero recollection of.

i learned something new today.

i am pretty anal retentive about grammar. i am the sort of person who thoroughly enjoyed "eats, shoots and leaves." but to my surprise, i learned a new -- and ostensibly basic -- comma rule today:

When a sequence of month, day, and year is not immediately followed by a period, semicolon, colon, dash, bracket, or parenthesis, insert a comma after the year. When a date is used as a modifier, the comma after the year is strongly preferred, but it may be omitted. Jensen, California Style Manual (4th ed. 2000) § 4.32, p. 143.

Their example: "The meeting on July 10, 1999, was the committee's last." Id.

I did not know that. I understand that people like to put commas between the month and year ("I was born in June, 1977."), but I didn't think you put a comma after a month/day/year date even if it is in the middle of a clause. I always thought people were just being stupid.

I learned this rule today because the attorney I work for wanted to stick a comma in, and I told him I didn't think it belonged there. He said, fine, leave it out. I was given a "gold star" for being anal enough to look it up and then go back and tell him he was right (not literally, just verbally). (This was not an asshole move, we are friends, and it was all good.) Woo-hoo.

gotta love the UK.

exit strategies

well, it looks like canada is not a quick fix.

well there goes that.

i have been unable to work today: 1) because i found it hard to get out of bed, 2) i was hanging around hoping to hear kerry's speech (which was postponed until now), and 3) i spent a lot of time discussing depressing ramifications once i got to work.

so. i guess the one piece of good news i have come to is that the winner of this election does not really affect the probability of another terrorist attack. of course, this is because they will be attacking regardless of who is president. and the war would be happening regardless of who is president, so at least this is bush's mess.

and so. the supreme court -- on information and belief, it looks like at least three justices will be replaced by our president, who has vowed that he won't put someone on the supreme court who doesn't think that the words "under god" belong in the pledge of allegiance (nevermind that pesky separation of church and state) -- though he does think that the pro-slavery case was wrong! (way to take a strong stance!).

and so. we can probably kiss goodbye all our high hopes of higher scrutiny for sexual orientation discrimination, same-sex marriage bans being ruled unconstitutional, and everything else in that general trend. states that want to ban same-sex marriage, as they did yesterday, can.

and so. abortion. on information and belief, it's probably unlikely that a nation-wide abortion ban will pass. but states that want to ban abortion will probably be able to.

my co-worker's take on this was: "fine. states will pass same-sex marriage bans, gays will have to move somewhere else, and those states will get poorer. and states will pass abortion bans so let them be saddled with the costs of all the bastard children. and the war will go on, but most of the military comes from the red states, so let them die. this is how they want to live, fine." what about all the children growing up there who can't move away? "oh, i know, it's horrible. but that's how they want to raise their kids, there's nothing we can do about it. fuck'em." and the country? "moving backward, and on for thirty years with the supreme court."

wonderful.

THIS LOOKS BAD

oh... shit.

this is killing me.

florida has 94% of precincts reporting and STILL hasn't projected a winner...

argh...

one guy at work told me that it's not a big deal if bush wins, the supreme court goes conservative, and we lose abortion, because democrats do best when there is strong opposition against which to unite, so if that happens, the democrats will rally and amend the constitution or something.

uc grad.

AND it's making me feel sick to scroll down the ballot measures and see all the states that have voted to ban same-sex marriage. i need a cigarette.

election night!

it's election night! i totally can't concentrate. i am basically just sitting here and checking cnn.com every five minutes. i spent most of my day volunteering as a poll monitor for election protection. we handed out voter bill of rights, made sure that people knew what they were entitled to (e.g., for people not registered at that precinct, people who messed up their ballots, people who had kids with them, etc.). the hardest part was when volunteers from a latino dem party showed up -- they were sitting by the door counting people or something like that, and while we were happy to see them, we had to tell them that they couldn't do that because they were within 100 yards of a polling place (they had bright yellow socal dem t-shirts on). it felt like a big moral dilemma. but they were very nice about it and turned their shirts inside out.

anyway. i am more hopeful than i was before, but i basically can't sit still and just want our polls to close so we can see what happens...

(billionaires for bush in weho -- it was a quality moment when some guys didn't get the joke and started yelling, "that's PATHETIC!!! FUCK BUSH!! FUCK YOU!!!" after being told that these individuals were, in fact, against bush, they muttered, "that's- that's stupid" and wandered off.) (more halloween pics to come, i'm just being lazy...)