... my baby nephew alex is crawling now. i'll get some pictures to post soon.
thanks for the hugs and nice thoughts.
i feel like i am i feel like i am being crushed by this invisible weight, and have trouble breathing sometimes. it is a strange thing to be able to say, without a doubt or even any close comparison, that these are the worst feelings i have ever had in my life.
my mom was discharged this weekend. she is resting a lot and recovering from the surgery. we have a few doctor appointments this week for her next stage of treatment, but part of me doesn't want to see any more doctors because at no point thus far has seeing more doctors and getting more information been a good thing. she is being so strong and positive, though. she is really amazing.
i am sorry this is so depressing. i haven't felt much like blogging, but then i felt like i shouldn't leave that last post just hanging like that. anyway. we are starting to plan a couple trips in the upcoming months -- a cruise in the greek isles, and some smaller stuff, too. i hope these at least work out. i am so tired. i am not equipped for this kind of situation. i guess that's it. i'll try to write some other time when i am feeling better.
we leave for the hospital in a little bit. i am worried and scared, but mostly i am just tired because i haven't been able to sleep. the other day i was wondering if that's some sort of coping mechanism i have -- i won't be able to fall asleep at night, so the next day i'll be so exhausted that all my feelings are muted and dulled. then again, not being able to sleep has always been a side effect of my being really stressed, and when i'm very tired i'm more unhappy than usual, so this is probably just the bad effects of stress rather than some bonus skill my body developed. bummer.
i'm not really sure how i feel right now. my mom has been so uncomfortable that i am relieved that this day has come, because at the very least removing this thing will clear up her bile ducts and get rid of the symptoms she's been suffering from. but on the other hand, one of the little windows of hope that we've been holding onto could and will likely close this week (but we will think positive), and the following little window of hope has no due date, it's a lengthy wait-and-see, surprise!, kind of thing, and it will be a lot harder to stave off reality after this. i am also worried that they will find something more and come back and tell us we have even less hope than we do now.
anyway. i've packed my book to keep with me at the hospital today (it's a 6-8 hour procedure), but i stupidly didn't take the time to charge or pack my ipod, and i'm almost done with this book, so maybe i'll walk up to ackerman for a breather and get another book when i finish mine.
i am exhausted. we've been constantly fielding phone calls from my mom's friends and coworkers and neighbors who want updates and to talk to my mom, who is not really in the mood to be chatty right now. (let me first say that i am eternally grateful for the love and support i have received from my friends through this period, so i am not in any way talking about anyone who might be reading this.) i have been surprised that the pushiest people who keep calling back despite our telling them that my mom is tired, and who bombard us with lots of specific detail, tend to be people that my mom doesn't know all that well. one woman kept pushing to see how she could get updated, if she could call us here, or if she could have my or my sister's e-mail address, or what else she could do (she did this when she stopped by to drop something off, which we finally agreed to because she'd been calling almost EVERY DAY and keeping my sister or me on the phone up to 15 minutes a time, despite our attempts to give cues that we wanted to get off the phone). after being pushed into saying i would keep her updated, i started wondering just why it was that she felt so entitled to constant updates from us. she doesn't know us that well, no one in our family has ever been friends with her, we don't feel that comfortable giving her so many details about my mom's condition, and it's really draining on us to deal with this. i feel like if we weren't to answer the phone, she would get angry and think we were being insensitive to her need to know what's going on (yes, she's that kind of woman). is there a polite way i can tell her to leave us alone?
i feel like i've been fairly functional over these last couple of weeks, but i also feel like i've just barely been keeping it together, and underneath i can feel, just a little, how much this is wearing on me. again, thank you all for being there for me -- i appreciate how sensitive and supportive you have been, and yes, it's safe to call me, though i may not always pick up (and i'm sorry that i haven't been so great with returning phone calls lately -- your messages do cheer me up). i love you.
i guess that's all. i'll talk to you all later. wish us luck.
i went out again tonight. we had our holiday party (delayed due to our office move), and i was deeply conflicted about whether or not to go. part of me felt like i should go because all these people are leaving and i said i'd be there, plus it was nice on thursday to sort of get away and enjoy myself, and part of me just wanted to stay home and be with my mom and sister. i have been growing more and more anxious as monday draws nearer, because it just starts to feel more and more real.
i figured i'd split the difference and i showed up super late, just to spend a couple hours there. it was decently fun. we partied it up, and then headed on to another bar, where i hung out until they prepared to go to a restaurant, at which point i chose to head on home.
but the big news is that i tried the pepcid ac trick that i'd been hearing so much about -- take pepcid ac before you drink (if you are one of those asians who lacks the alcohol-breaking-down enzyme), and not only will you not turn red, you will not feel short of breath and crappy, as those with mild alcohol allergies will. so i tried it. i had 3 glasses of wine -- usually 1/2 a glass is enough to make me turn red and feel out of breath. but i had the 3 glasses, i drank, i danced, and while i think i got warm (and a little sweaty, perhaps), i did not turn beet red (maybe a little pink), and i did not feel short of breath or sick at all. just drunk and happy (i know, i know, off 3 glasses -- pathetic, but cheap).
i am excited. i will take pepcid ac from now on whenever i am going to have a serious drinking night, and i will be able to drink and enjoy myself like a white person. cheers.
we went to el cholo for dinner tonight, and then off to a fantastic karaoke bar in koreatown, all part of going away festivities for, heh, five, count 'em, FIVE associates. hahahahahaha. anyway.
i know this 5-year turnover thing is normal for all law firms, but it didn't used to be normal for our law firm, so it upsets me. oh well. now we are closer to being like every other law firm. good thing we still have people who will go out and karaoke until 2:30 in the morning.
i had fun tonight. a lot more than i expected to. i was unsure if having a little alcohol would: 1) make me feel more relaxed and happy, or 2) make me break down and cry. i've been going around feeling like i was barely holding my shit together beneath my fairly normal meaningless chatter, so i didn't know how any new elements would affect my delicate balance. as it turns out, it was fine.
my friends affirmed that it was fine for me to want to only hang out with people i liked, so we took one end of the table and they surrounded me and viciously guarded my seat so that i could sit and be completely surrounded by people i was totally comfortable around (it was a huge group and there were some people i wasn't so hot on hanging out with, and i didn't want to have to deal with any chit-chat with them). i love my friends. they are awesome.
so i had a good time through dinner with multiple glasses of sangria, and then we had a blast wailing karaoke and drinking shots of lemon soju. we pretty much covered the gamit, from air supply to madonna to kenny rogers to whoever sings "in the navy." my throat hurts now and my voice is completely shot. i am also starting to feel that sobering-up hangover headache. all signs of a good night.
i have a 9 am conference call that i have to be in the office for tomorrow. i suppose i should have gone to bed when i got home rather than get only and fuck around, but i am in a rare good mood and i guess i just wanted to relax a little and feel happy. so yeah. good night.
i totally just made myself a peanut butter and banana sandwich, and ate it with cheese puffs (cheetos natural white cheddar). mmm...
A HUNDRED BUCKS! i did not expect that to happen. i did not necessarily think i would win a bunch of money, but i did not expect to lose it all, either.
damn it.
as i'm sure everyone here realizes much more than i, there is a big difference between playing in rooms with play money (where i do very well) and with real money (where i did very poorly).
damn it.
when i go back to lose more money, i will do it in lower stakes rooms. it is a different kind of game. i mean, i'm not a good player, but i'm not a complete idiot. i did make it to the final table of that hold 'em tournament isaac and i played in over halloween weekend.
damn it.
my sister, mom and i have been renting random movies and watching them (i am signing us up for netflix tonight), and tonight we just finished watching monster-in-law. i never even heard of this movie when it came out, but it's about jlo and michael vartan, and vartan's crazy mom, jane fonda, who wants to keep them apart. i have to say, it was cute, and far better than i expected. of course, that might not have been such a hard thing.
anyway. while watching the movie, three things occurred to me:
1) jane fonda has gotten older. she still looks good, but in that older woman kind of way.
2) this movie stars the exes of jennifer garner and ben affleck. i wonder if they made this movie before or after they were dumped. like, was it a sour grapes or fuck off kind of thing?
3) michael vartan does not seem to have much range. he plays that good-looking, really nice, kind of dull, aren't-i-cute-when-i-furrow-my-eyebrows guy really well. but can he do much else?
that's all. i'll let you know if something more interesting happens in my life. oh -- i signed up for real money poker at partypoker.com. i was doing well (up, like $12 in a $.25 room), and then i accidentally clicked fold when i meant to click call and lost my game. now i'm down $23. it's all mental. i start to play stupidly when i get pissed off. oh well. now i just want to win that stupid money back.
i will write about brokeback mountain.
i saw brokeback mountain with ayumi on friday. i thought it was beautiful, and poignant, and sad, and i loved it. i will agree with one review i read that said a few parts could have moved a little more quickly, but overall i have no complaints. the only thing i'm wondering is... why do people talk about how hot jake gillenhall is all the time when heath ledger is so much hotter? i mean, jg's got nice eyes. but i had no idea who heath ledger was before the movie, and i thought he was adorable.
we watched the golden globes tonight -- brokeback mountain won the best movie drama (along with other things). it also won the critic's choice awards. hopefully this means it will sweep the oscars, too. i am surprised and pleased at how popular the movie is -- anything to get gay boys in the public eye is a good thing. wait. i saw some crappy gayer-than-life fashion guy on a pre-golden globes show. so i take back the "anything" of my earlier statement or, rather, insert an "almost" before it.
i am annoyed because one of my coworkers told me his mom went to go see it not knowing what it was about, and then laughed with him about how it's not a great first date movie (or near first date, or whatever). my coworker just took it as sooo given that on a date you wouldn't want to watch a drama about gay men who were in love but couldn't be together. i'm sorry, but we gay people have to watch plenty of movies about you straight people when we go on dates. and, i believe, plenty of those are pained dramas about love that couldn't be unfulfilled because of whatever crap circumstances are around. so fucking suck it up. please.
i haven't blogged in a little while, and it's because a lot has been going on but i didn't know what to say. it is hard when something happens to someone close enough to you for it to be happening to you too, because then you don't know how to separate out what is your information and what is their information. so i'm going to try to talk about what's going on without too much invasive detail.
my mom is sick. bad sick. we are in the process of setting up everything for a surgery, and then there will be more treatment after that, and even then chances are very, very low for a cure. for the last week and a half i have been grappling with the news that i may not have my mother for much longer.
this is the single worst and most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me in my life. my sister and i have been pulling together and staying at my mom's with her (with the adorable baby nephew in tow), but i have just been a big mess of emotions churning inside. my friend always says that your body will only let you feel as much emotion as you can handle, which i think is why i spend most of my time numbed over -- i'll still feel this nasty, anxious, awful feeling in my chest or stomach, but i won't be crying, and for the most part i can have somewhat normal conversations with people.
i took a lot of last week off, and will take official family leave from work for a little bit while my mom has her surgery and is recovery. in the meantime, going to work is hard. there are some people who heard through some grapevine that likes to gossip about things like this but who don't know how serious it is, so they'll ask how she's doing in a nonchalant tone like my mom has the flu or something. or i'll walk through the halls facing these pitying looks from people i am not that close to who want to rub my shoulder to make me feel better. i mean, i know that everyone means well, so i don't blame anyone for anything -- i guess it's just that nothing will really feel right or comforting to me right now. it also saddens me how many people i know who can offer me their understanding and support because they've already lost a parent.
my mom is so great and so strong. she says she'll fight it, but we'll face whatever comes -- if it's her time to stay, she'll stay, and if it's her time to go, she'll go. i can't believe this is happening. but for now, all we can do is wait for time to pass -- through the surgery, through the treatment, to a time when she feels a little better and we can go on some trips and make new memories, and wait to see what happens.
as some of you know, while i generally don't get sick easily, i have been incredibly paranoid about getting sick these last few days because a close family member will (hopefully) be undergoing surgery soon, and if she gets sick, they will have to postpone the procedure.
i'd been hearing a lot about airborne, some vitamin supplement that you're supposed to take when you start to get sick, or before you go into a crowded environment. my co-worker said she'd been feeling like crap, but her friend bought her some, and she felt a lot better. i figured that this is the newest thing, the way cold-eez flew off the shelves when it first came out, so i went to go get some.
now, it did give me a little pause when i noticed that they advertise that airborne was "created by a second grade school teacher" ("she was sick of getting sick in the classroom") because i was like, well, what exactly does an elementary school teacher know about physiology and creating dietary supplements? my thought was, "well, i'm sure that's just a marketing gimmick" and bought some anyway.
my sister has been making fun of me for three days straight now (admittedly, because i keep taking it). she informs me that supplements like that don't go through FDA approval, and if i'm taking it for the vitamins (which i told her couldn't hurt), she pointed out that a multi-vitamin would also do the trick. but, she notes, if i want the placebo effect, so be it. she has pointed out that my taking airborne is the same as her deciding to have a second grade school teacher represent her in some matter because the teacher took "a law class, law 101," and her friend told her that the lady represented her friend and did "a real good job." she has also been going around saying, "AIRBORNE TO THE RESCUE!!!" (this is all said in smarmy, good-natured fun)
anyway. i think at this point i continue to take it just to irritate her. but i do feel a little silly.
that is all.