this is probably not news to anybody, i've been sad, and tired, and stressed... i feel like it must tire people out. like it would be great for someone to ask what i've been up to and say that i've been great, and not feel like i have to qualify it with whatever overarching sadness there is in my life. anyway.
i've been sort of a mess lately. i think even as things settle into a new routine and we pretend that this is just how it's going to be, inside i know thinks are moving forward and i can almost feel my chest tightening up to try and block feelings out. i've been super stressed about work, probably to an irrational degree, and the last few days i've noticed myself wanting more and more to go home or hang out with friends -- to do anything but stay at my sister's. these two things, of course -- stress about non-mom issues and escapist desires to hang out with other people -- being two of my main defense mechanisms when i am freaking out inside and don't want to feel anything. (at least, if nothing else, over this last year and a half i have gotten to know myself very, very well.)
so, recognizing that i probably wanted to go out so much tonight because i was actually feeling extra sad about my mom, i made myself stay in and my mom and i watched a movie together and then i helped tuck her in to bed. and, of course, i feel better after this. though, this kind of feeling better comes with more openness in my chest and awareness of my feelings, so that i almost feel like i am drowning in my sadness.
i don't want to face everything that's coming. i feel so scared, and so weak. it is hard to see my mom feeling so weak and uncomfortable. she is so thin now, except for her distended belly because of her sick liver, and she is tired all the time, and her face is so gaunt. but my sister blow-dried her hair after she bathed today, and i thought my mom looked so pretty. i love my mom so much.
anyway. i'm off to bed. we may go to the beach for a bit tomorrow, and there is lots of baby-watching to be done. sorry for all the depressingness, but i feel a little better now having gotten that off my chest. goodnight.
my dad got here yesterday, around noon. last night my dad, mom, sister and i played several games of mah-jong -- they are teaching us the insanely complicated point-scoring system. the one that my sister's friend had written down (we borrowed her set) was simpler than the rules my parents and relatives play apparently. it is a lot of fun, but i just feel like i have a whole lot to learn.
my dad also brought his keyboard. he likes to play oldies on it, and now he's in the living room teaching my mom how to play a song while i am in my room editing a letter he wrote to lisa see. he wrote her a letter about one of her earlier novels, and she wrote him back, so they've struck up a dialogue. he wrote her a letter with his opinions on female subjugation in eastern and western cultures.
anyway. it's nice having everyone here.