it has been one month since my mom died. i went to the market with my dad today, and was sad as i lingered in front of the frozen veggie meats. i really just cannot believe that my mom is gone.
my sister told me that the rose hills funeral arranger called the other day. just, you know, to say hi and see how we were doing. after we went to buy a plot for my mom last year, this woman and my mom kept in touch, and the woman ended up recommending the person who came to cook for my mom sometimes. that's my mom -- she somehow made substantive relationships with and touched everyone she met. you know, like the woman who sold her a burial plot and set up her funeral service. it reminded me of how my mom's drycleaner refused to let us pay when we went to pick up her clothes after she got sick, and spent a good 10-15 minutes telling us how they would do anything she needed and that she was their "best best best best best best best BEST BEST BEST BEST friend!"
i miss my mom.
i can't shake this feeling that i have to be really productive -- it's like when my mom was sick and i tried to pack in as much as i could and felt like i could never relax. part of it is the thank you card bag that hasn't been dipped into yet. part of it is feeling like i should be at my sister's as much as possible because i want to alleviate their busy-ness and also because i know it makes both of us feel better to be together. and i'm sure part of it is that i don't want to have to much down time because then i'll think about the fact that my mom is gone. oh, and part of me feels stressed because i am on leave and need to figure out what i want to do with my life. and i'm overwhelmed by things such as settling accounts and buying a new car.
i haven't worked out in 3 weeks now, and am going to try to go tomorrow. but, a lot has been packed up at my mom's and i started to rearrange some stuff at my place. also, i have cooked 4 whole chickens this week with my dad's/ayee's recipe. one for me and ayumi, then it was good so i made another for me, ayumi and brian (ann had some too, but didn't get up here until after dinnertime), and then 2 for my sister's family yesterday (though ann and i ate some). and i paid some bills and took care of outstanding things. i'm about to pay off my first installment property tax. and i still have a lot to do at my mom's and my place but keep staying up way too late watching tv (i've started watching big love and i discovered entourage on ondemand).
anyway, i was going to write out the chicken recipe but got tired. i apologize that i haven't gotten back to everyone who has called. i really appreciate the gestures you've made, i just sort have been in hiding. i'll be in touch sometime. i hope you are all doing well. talk to you soon.
i think i'm past the worst of the sickness, but still tired and achey and a little coughy. i have been drinking plain, hot water, which makes me feel very, very asian. my sister and i have gone through most of the stuff at my mom's (not packed, just gone through). it is overwhelming -- and my mom was an anti-clutter minimalist. my sister pointed out how much worse i would be cleaning out my place in 30 years. this is a good point. i am working hard on getting rid of things -- just because you've had it for a long time doesn't mean you need to keep it.
tomorrow we get the day off from going through stuff at my mom's because my sister is leaving town for a few days. this leaving town business has me somewhat nervous. my sister and i have been pretty inseparable since my mom died -- it makes us feel closer to her to be together, and it is more comforting because we are grieving in the same way. also, i decided i would tackle thank you cards while she is gone, so that doesn't really make me look forward to the week any further.
i am going to try to reorganize my place and clear a bunch of junk out, and then start bringing some things to my place. overwhelming. oh, and i have to report an accident to the dmv because some guy backed into my non-moving car the day after my mom's funeral (when i was returning the projection screen) and ruined the hood. ugh. i will try to fit in a work out somewhere -- it's been two weeks now. :(
okay. i am exhausted. i started watching big love on dvd, and keep stupidly staying up until obscene hours watching it after coming home from an already late night at my mom's. stupid. so i am going to try to go to bed earlier tonight. of course, it's already 1 am.
goodnight.
today is andrew's first birthday. we took the boys to the aquarium, and then out for a late lunch. they had a late afternoon nap, and then after dinner we had gluten-free, egg-free, dairy-free chocolate cupcakes (disgusting) and opened presents for andrew. andrew seemed to like his presents, but what he really focused on all night was the card i gave him. not the card itself, but the card in the plain white envelope (unopened). he sort of cruised around looking at the toys, but kept sitting and playing with the envelope. alex enjoyed the new toys very much, and had to be talked to a couple times about how they were andrew's toys, so he should share and not yank them away when andrew came near. it was a nice day, though not as exciting as future birthdays will be, what with andrew not understanding the whole birthday concept and everything.
other than that, i'm just really tired. my sister and i spent a lot of this week going through things at my mom's. a lot of it was going through my things at my mom's -- i tossed a lot of stuff i'd packed, filled four boxes with books to donate somewhere, and set aside several bags of junk to donate. we also went through my mom's clothes. that was easy for me, since i can't wear any of it -- the few things i thought were cute are way small -- the sleeves end somewhere mid-forearm, and stopped above my waist. but i guess i can always change my mind, because my sister said she can't bear with getting rid of any of my mom's clothes yet, so her plan for now is to pack them all up.
this week i also started to get sick, and i spent most of yesterday and today feeling tired and achey. i'm also sad because i haven't been able to work out in the last few weeks. hopefully by next week i'll be feeling better and will fit it in somewhere.
i miss my mom. a lot. it's nice to think that she is able to watch over me wherever she is, but even if that is true, i still won't ever see her again. and i think that is a really hard concept for me to grasp. i will never see her again. ever. i will never talk to her again. ever. i will never be with her again. ever. and that's it. it's over. she's gone. i have so many years left to live in my life (hopefully), and she will not be around to spend any of them with me.
...
i need to go to bed. i made a big long list of the thank you cards we have to write, but i don't have energy to actually write them. also, what do you say in such things? also, where am i supposed to send them? we don't know some of the people who sent flowers, nor do we have their addresses. aiya.
goodnight.