last night i dreamt about my mom. i was alone with her, and we were sitting on the floor in a room with warm, yellow light. she already had cancer, and there was a really heart-hurting feeling to everything. a bunch of people who'd come over had just left, and i guess my mom knew she wasn't going to see them again. i asked her if it was hard to say goodbye to people, and she smiled sadly and said that the gathering wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. i told her that for most of those people it probably didn't register that this might be the last time she saw them. and she gave me a sad smile, and i put my arms around her, and i thought about how hard it was to believe she might be gone soon and how i really had to value all the moments i had with her. then she showed me, like, a spiritual poem or something that was on her back (not a tattoo, she said something like she laid it out on a shirt and then used that to transfer to her back). i wanted to take a picture of it, and she laughed and was a little embarassed but agreed, and the rest of the dream i was trying desperately to make my camera work, but it was too full of other, stupid things, and i kept deleting videos so i could take a picture. the whole time i had this urgent feeling that i had to hurry up and make it work and couldn't waste time because she would be gone soon, and just as my camera was about to work, i woke up. and that feeling i had, that i had to value the time i had with her because i was lucky to still have her there... it faded away as i realized that she is already dead and then i just started crying.
i miss my mom so much. and i know people keep saying that it will get better, but that doesn't really make me feel better. the idea that it won't hurt so much because i've adjusted to not having my mom doesn't comfort me -- what i want is for something to happen and for me to realize that it was all a bad dream, all a mistake, and that she is still here. and it still hurts so much.
i have been super busy this last couple weeks. it's the kind of busy where it's not that you're just at the office late, but where it is emergency mode from when you walk in to when you walk out so that you work through lunch and dinner and take no breaks until you go home at night. that kind of stress is TIRING. and, on thursday, when i left at 11:15p i happened to leave JUST as a show was getting out of the dorothy chandler pavilion and thus got stuck in rain AND traffic. aish!
i am, by the way, now that asshole who comes by at five pm to tell junior associates that there is a lot of work to do and please do it by tomorrow morning so you can meet with me and the partner. twice in a row, thursday AND friday (though for friday they just have to be ready to meet monday, not saturday). at the very least, they all understand that these directives don't come from me.
anyway. i started playing money poker last night at fulltiltpoker.com. i'm just playing the $.25/$.50 tables, and will try to keep it that way. i won $.10 last night and $3.20 while blogging now. woo.
i get a chunk of the weekend off, which excites me. i will sit on my ass and watch tv, which is what i missed most this week. :) bye.
it took me two and a half hallways on the way to the bathroom to realize that i still had one of those dorky rubber fingers on my thumb from looking at documents.
while in the bathroom, a woman who was in another stall before i got there tried to strike up a conversation without knowing who i was. while i was in my stall, she exclaimed, "god, these toilet papers are rough! uncomfortable!" i didn't know what to do so i remained silent and said hi when i came out to wash my hands.
oh, and just now (i started this post before lunch, now it is after), when we were going to the elevator bank, we had to stop to let a gaggle of suits walk by. there were all these secret service guys surrounding the people in the middle and apparently prince andrew was in the middle of the crowd walking by us. not that i recognize him.
anyway.
by that i mean that i am drinking a mug of hot water. my throat hurts, and i don't feel like tea, so i'm just drinking boiling hot water. i never used to do that before. makes me think of my mom.
not much new to report. i am back at work. i thankfully obtained work my first day back, and it seems interesting. it has been nice to return to a routine, i guess, though i suffered many panic attacks monday morning, and there seems to be random drama with at least one person. and i seem to be getting sick. i will go work out tonight for the first time in months, which makes me happy.
oh, and i recently discovered scoops. i love it. try the brown bread flavor, it is amazing. the rest of the flavors seem to be ever-changing. i can't wait to go back!
this morning i went with my sister and the boys to rose hills, where we met my uncle and my mom's close friend. they finally put the new marker in and we went to visit my mom. after that my sister and i took the boys to lunch at one of my mom's favorite vegetarian restaurants in monterey park, and then to visit our sixth great aunt and uncle.
it all left me feeling so aware of how sad i am. i'm just... really sad. we had told alex we were going to go visit puo puo's grave (he knows she is "in heaven), and of course he misunderstood, and when we were leaving rose hills he started crying out that he didn't want to go, he wanted to see puo puo, he wanted to see puo puo... and my chest got so tight and i wanted to cry because i want so much to see her, too.
it's a hard thing because it's been a few months, and i feel like people expect that you start to pick up and move on with other things. but for me... it's only /been/ a few months. and just how is one supposed to get used to not having a mom? pretty much every morning when i wake up, i lay there and think, god, i can't believe my mom is dead. she is really dead. and i just feel like there is this expanse of my life ahead of me, and i can't comprehend that i have so much living to do without my mom. and i am just so sad.