so, i am at the grand hyatt in new york, here for a depo tomorrow morning. this place is ridiculous. i was going to stay at whatever hotel i found on expedia that was closest to the office i have to go to tomorrow, but apparently the travel agent told my assistant that they really didn't recommend that because the hotel wasn't very nice. so, i ended up here.
anyway, a little while ago i got hungry, and after looking at the $22 tuna sandwich and the $24 angus burger ($10 ice cream!), i decided to order out. i got pizza, and some cauliflower, and a bottle of water. i was pleased to get a shitload of food for less than a sandwich here. i was especially excited about the food by the time it arrived because i was starving. but, they forgot my water. so, i had to order a bottle of water from room service. one, i had to wait a half hour for the water! so i was starving, and ate, but was dying of thirst the whole time. two, you know how much the water cost? it was TWENTY ONE DOLLARS! and then i didn't realize that it included a 15% gratuity, so i tipped on top of that. sheesh.
i finally went by my mom's again yesterday, after not going for almost a month. her mailbox was jam-packed, and i spent a sizeable chunk of time later in the afternoon calling places to take her off the mailing list. this was rather unfun and annoying, and made me feel like i was in some movie scene. i never really thought about it, but yeah, they keep mailing things forever unless you tell them not to.
i basically just called and said i wanted to take my mom off their list because she'd passed away. and while most people were normal human beings and would throw in some variant of "i'm sorry to hear that" into conversation, there were a couple who kept a completely cheerful tone with a, "okay! can i have her customer number please?" and "have a great day!" i wanted, just a little bit, to throttle them. it was generally the younger-sounding people who did that, i think they just didn't know what to do. anyway.
i can't shake this feeling of dread i have. i guess it is depression. i wish i were sleeping on my couch. oh well.
i just had a weird dream. i don't remember it as vividly as the last one i wrote about, and it was just sort of random. i remember at one point looking at my mom as my sister and i hung around with her and thinking she still looked good, and telling her how i was grateful she was still there even though she didn't feel so good. then later in the dream i was trying to get her to a doctor. it was random, i took her to a hospital and when we were walking in we passed some work people (but not real work people), and one of them didn't know my mom was sick or something and sort of asked loudly if that was me and the other person started to explain -- i guess it took me back to that feeling i used to have when my mom was still alive and i was trying to act normal at work. anyway. we ended up winding through long, windy corridors packed with people, and there were mice and rats running around, and i was looking for her doctor, and then i woke up. weird.
my sadness has been a lot more at the surface this last week. i think it's because i'm settling in at work and life is moving on and part of me is still just sort of grasping that my mom is really never coming back. i know i've written this many, many times, but it's still hard to accept. i look at my friend whose mom has been dead fifteen years and i think, wow, her mom is STILL dead, she STILL doesn't get to talk to her, i can't believe that. every day i'll be somewhere, doing something, like in a meeting or something, and then all of a sudden i will think, my mom is dead, i can't believe my mom is dead, and this is my life now, i'm someone whose mom is dead.
anyway. i guess this isn't news and not that cheery but it's what's on my mind. i have to go get ready now, though, we are going to go meet my sister and the boys and my dad and ayee at huntington library, which is lots of fun. i hope it doesn't rain. have a good weekend...